Unfinished article about guilt

Guilt

Recently I feel I have been challanged and shown my guilt feeling.

I have been visiting my aunt who dedicated her life to god and to help poor people as a missionaire for charity, a nun.

She takes care of kids that doctors said wouldn't live another year and are still living.

They can't move, and their bodies have weird shapes.

I stayed with volunteers who came help take care of the house and the kids.

I came after a trip through Tunisia and Morocco seeking rest calm food and security.

Which she all provided for me.

Being too tired and still inward feeling I was not of a very good help with the kids or in the house.

Also it would drain my energy very fast.

I felt even before I arrived the coming signs of a fibromyalgia crisis and I wanted to focus as much as possible on diminishing its effects.

So I didn't work, I didn't help.

I slept as much as I could and wanted, I showed up to eat and helped only when I wanted or left like it or... my guilt feeling was stronger as I had some more strenght.

Yes. All the other volunteers woke up early and worked all day, but they didn't blame me or said anything. Actually they were very nice to me, helped me with anything I wanted, like bring me food from the main house, deliver messages to my aunt.

So I missed meals, I didn't do half the things I said I would. And I received sympathy, understanding and help.

The thing is I am about to spend a lot of money and I'll have nothing left.

The other thing is, normally I would work to make it up to it.

The only little problem is that I happen to be very weak most of the time.

With the help of doctors I elaborated a strategy to counter this strange illness ;

Fibromyalgia according to this doctor has 2 causes ;

Intoxication of the body and I would say heart, soul mind issues.

So to get better I figured that first.... Right I haven't been too good with this one.

All right so it's intoxication and depression or what's left of it.

I have two reasons to not eat enough or well enough...

Ok, or more.

First I don't want to put on weight.

And I have a great excuse for that ; if I put on weight, my knew that has had 2 surgeries already (I told you it was a great excuse), would have more to carry and be more vulnerable and hurt more.

And, I am afraid it is such a good excuse that my knee hasn't been a problem recently. And I've been hiking and traveling...

Other reason is that I can't have gluten. If I did I'd really put on weight, but I would also be even more intoxicated and maybe my body could not get minerals from my intestincs.

And last but not least, money and inspiration.

Gluten free dairy free healthy sufficient diet is not of the cheapest and due to this illness I cannot work, and should not.

Also because I guess I still have issues with depression, I have not such incredible inspiration for what to eat, what to buy, what to cook.

For a very long time I have been eating just to survive.

Eat not to feed myself, but not to be hungry, ho, to stop being hungry, or be stronger, get some energy.

No so much for the pleasure of eating.

My aunt's been working on that while I was there, she would strongly invite me to sit to eat and get a warm plate of food even if I said I had eaten bisuits, nuts, fruits.

After a month on a diet of dates, nuts and tangerines 2 meals out of 3.... I could use some meat carbs and delicious sauce. Hooo and cheese !!!!

The other source of toxins and cause of illness is stress. In it's large definition.

Stress means all « I should », « I have to », all the self conciousness « what would people think »

« I have to be good/I want to be a good person ».

The guilt.

Act upon fear rather than upon love.

Act by fear of missing.

Social stress. Act to please people.

You know, all the little things.

I noticed how meals with other people around a table are stressful to me.

I am hungry but I should wait for everybody to sit.

I eat fruits, salad and all raw things before I eat anything cooked, but they won't let me without first insisting that fruits are for desert, that I am weird, that I have to wait etc.

I eat cheese throughout the meal. But they do before the desert, or the access to is a bit difficult, again.

Then I eat very slowly, because I happen to be a very sensual person and I like to feel all the taste of what tastes good. I make this pleasure last as long as possible, because it's going to be over and it's never going to happen again the same way. Unic moment.

And people rush food into their mouth like animals and remove plates and dishes and ir somewhat stresses me because I'm only half way through when they are finished. How many times in restaurants I have to almost fight with waiters to keep my place or dishe. How many times I eat with the stress that they would come and pick it up before I have time to defend myself. It's a fucking stress !!

So I have to either put pressure on myself to hurry, or maintain a pressure around me so people wait for me. It's not very pleasant to be alone at the table when the plan was to have a meal together.

Ho and of course there's the opposit