There is something VERY interesting that has been happening to me for the last 11 months or so.
It is that I started to understand how I function.
Let me explain to you.
Before I was just living.
Then, one day i got depressed.
At this moment (it lasted a few months), I couldn't do much.
My brain was slow, I had no energy, and didn't want anything and on top of that I was filled with emotions like despair, hopelessness, and many others that I really don't want to remember.
My life had no meaning and I couldn't even do the effort to find a meaning to it.
So, after a few months spent in bed I grew tired of being sad, empty and bored (altough being bored was the least of my problems), I decided to try to get out of this situation.
And it is how I starte to learn to deal with it. Or deal with myself.
I realized that :
When I'm bored it means I need to go and help someone, do something good, learn and feel useful.
When I'm slow, mellow, having to do lots of stuff but not really doing anything it means I must force myself to go out and do some sports. ANYthing is good to get me out and sweat.
So lately I've read a book about the art of doing lists.
I really loved it.
I still need to make tons of lists;
One list of all the things that uplift me when I'm mellow
A list of all the things I'd like to do if I had some time for when I'm bored and don't know what to do.
A list of things I'd like to do with my lover when I have one.
So now, since I want to be efficient and not waste my time, when I see I'm not doing the things I had planned to do.
I do a list.
For tomorrow for example it goes like this :
Make a new resume and send it to get a job.
Make boxes with the things I need to take to Toulouse.
Tidy and clean my room.
Why is it so good ?!
Because when I don't do it, I spend my time thinking I should do all this while I'm just doing the stupided things and at the end I don't do shit.
Whereas when I do a list, I do some stuff and then I feel free to read or surf the internet efficiently because I'm not thinking that I should be doing something else.
Another big thing : I manage to say NO. Of course I feel very guilty about it.
But at the end I know I didn the right choice.
I'm still very clumsy, but I'm going to get better.
Learning the hard way.
I aslo realized that I can't start anything before I feel safe and confidant with it.